I have a job? A job?

Funny thing is, I was asleep when I accepted it.
BUT I SHALL BE THE BEST SOMNAMBULIST EMPLOYEE THEY'VE EVER HAD!

On a lighter note, I'm dressing up as the Swine Flu for Halloween. Maybe it's insensitive, but it sure is the cultural reference of the century.

I ran out of tape...

... so I used a Band-Aid instead.

Innovation, my friends.

Quarters and lightbulbs

-"You used my scarf to jump rope?!"
-"Well, yea..."
-"It's an Ann Taylor scarf!"
-"Fortunately, he's a very good jumper."

Hall and Oates, your greatness transcends time

But never will Simon and Garfunkel be replaced as my favorite musical duo of the mid 20th century.

Their breezy tunes have something that H&O could never achieve, and besides, you just can't compete with the sweaters S&G always wear.

Today

Today I almost rode my bike into a car. I started an abstract on Hegelian aesthetics and decided not to finish. I killed a spider, made a chocolate quesadilla, and got lost. Then I won a staring contest.

I frequently quote myself.

I'm almost positive that I can only raise my left eyebrow on odd numbered days and my right one on the evens.

More research on this subject to follow.

Just call me the....

Scuba diving with a head cold was not the best idea I've ever had.

Back by popular demand

Why must every party mix contain so many pretzels?
They are the snack food equivilant of radioactive waste.

I ate a honey sandwich, olé!

I do not wish to expound on this honey sandwich, except to say that it was very delicious and I may have had another.

How do you feel after spending a minute of your life reading about my honey sandwich?

Honey?

Nothing irks me more than the incorrect use of apostrophes

Let's all take a moment to admire my domestic prowess

I tried to disinfect with nail polish remover instead of alcohol.

Luckily I caught my mistake just seconds before I poisoned myself, which, I would like to point out, was miraculous, seeing that the two bottles look almost identical.

Forget that there are labels on these bottles that identify them- I was preoccupied with crêpes.

I think that's understandable.

Today I tried on a rad pair of pants.

These pants fit quite nice- straight leg (flair pants make me look like a swollen elephant), plenty of room in the booty area, a stretchy waist for comfort...

I should have known that these were not ordinary pants. They fit different, but they fit well.

And then the shocking discovery:

I BOUGHT MATERNITY PANTS.

PANTS FOR PREGNANT PEOPLE. I BOUGHT THEM AND THEY FIT.

Maybe I can share my preggo pants with my preggo sister, who would be too small to fit into these glorious pants normally.

Wonderful.

The booty was just so spacious...

I shall now proceed to tell a very true but very uninteresting story about myself.

Yesterday, while I was at the plant store

(I'm afraid at this point I must cut in- I just don't know how to accurately refer to place in which I was. It was a flower store, but that wording is awkward. I guess I could say nursery, but I don't want any confused readers to wonder what babies have to do with this story. Florist doesn't quite describe it. How about The Quaint Vendor of Flowers, Shrubs and Miscellaneous Gardening Accessories? I'm all for overstating.)

Yesterday, while I was at The Quaint Vendor of Flowers, Shrubs and Miscellaneous Gardening Accessories, I was minding my own business when I was stopped by a middle-to-elderly aged lady.

(A mole (the animal, not the birthmark) wearing glasses is an accurate image of this particular specimen)

She asked me a question that involved the cigar flower she was holding.

(The cigar flower, or Cuphea ignea, is a plant native to Mexico that is often used as a decorative houseplant.)

I mumbled that I didn't know and quickly shuffled away. The poor mole-lady thought I was an employee, not a fellow shopper! I was embarassed for her, because I've done the same thing, multiple times.

(At clothing stores, sporting events...)

But my concern is this- all the employees were wearing matching purple shirts that had the name of the Quaint Vendor of Flowers, Shrubs and Miscellaneous Gardening Accessories clearly written. Needless to say, I was not wearing that shirt, nor was I in a color that remotely resembled purple. Yes, I was carrying a flat of perennials,

(apparently looking very official)

but so was every customer. It. Was. A. Flower. Store.

DUH is the first word that comes to mind.
I am the victim of Mistaken Employee Identity. Watch out folks, we have an offender, and she's not very bright.

I'm tricky

We'll leave it at that.

And there was much stupification

My thoughts are as closed as the sewed up pockets of my shorts,
as blank as last semester's term paper,
as empty as this comparison.

The ability to metaphor-ize must be subconscious.
Too bad these are similes, you say.

But what does this have to do with Portugal?